Stop Asking How School Went. Ask What They're Weirdly Good At.

Every parent knows the exchange. "How was school?" "Fine." "What did you do today?" "Nothing." In CNBC Make It, behavioral researcher Vanessa Van Edwards explains why those questions so rarely work and what to ask instead. In Conversation expert: Ask 5 questions to connect more with your kid, she argues that direct check-ins put a burden on a tired child, who may answer "fine" just to avoid a wave of worry.

Her alternatives sound playful on the surface. Which character in a show or book is most like you, and why? If your day were a movie, what would its title be? What would you do with a totally free day that cost nothing? Who do you feel most relaxed around, and who stresses you out? And my favorite: "What's something you're weirdly good at that never comes up?"

Van Edwards offers these as ways to read a child's emotional state. I think they do something even more valuable. They help a parent see who their child is becoming.

The Questions We Ask Teach Kids What We Value

Think about what most of our questions to teenagers are about. Grades. Homework. Practice. College plans. They are questions about performance, and they teach young people that the parts of them adults care about are the parts that get measured.

That is how the edit starts. A teenager learns which version of themselves earns approval and begins to show only that version. The rest, the odd talent, the private interest, the way they see the world, goes quiet because no one asks about it.

The data suggests many young people feel exactly that. In the Voices of Gen Z study from the Walton Family Foundation and Gallup, three in 10 students said they don't have an adult at school who recognizes their talents and interests. Nearly half said school doesn't give them opportunities to do what they do best. If school isn't noticing, home may be the only place left where someone can.

What Weirdly Good At Really Reveals

A question about what a child is weirdly good at is an invitation to name a strength nobody assigned. Van Edwards notes that most of the feedback kids get comes from adults, and this question lets them recognize something in themselves. If they draw a blank, she suggests parents name a skill they've noticed.

That small moment matters more than it seems. Young people often discover what they naturally solve for in places no report card reaches: the friend who always settles arguments, the kid who can fix any device, the one who notices when someone is left out. Those are early signals of identity. When a parent notices them and asks how they figured it out, the child learns that who they are is worth paying attention to.

The character question works the same way. Van Edwards advises parents to care more about the child's explanation than their own interpretation. A teen who says a character is loyal is telling you what they're proud of. One who says a character is always overlooked may be telling you how they feel right now. I made a related case for the role adults play in One-to-One Was Supposed to Mean a Laptop. It Should Mean an Adult.

Listen Without Correcting the Answer

One piece of her advice deserves extra attention. When a child names the person who stresses them out, Van Edwards says, try not to react. If you flinch, your kid learns what it costs to tell you things.

That is the hardest discipline for parents. We want to fix, reassure or redirect. But every correction tells a young person their honest answer was the wrong one. Do that often enough, and they start editing what they share with us before they ever say it out loud.

A few ways to put this into practice this week:

Ask one of these questions in the car or at dinner, then answer it yourself. Van Edwards suggests taking a turn, and it shows your child that being honest goes both ways.

Notice which answers surprise you. A surprise means you are learning something about your child you didn't already know.

Pick one strength your teen names and give it room to grow. Ask them to teach it to you, or find a way to use it at home.

Young people build agency when adults give them room to be themselves and take them seriously when they are, a point I explored in Agency Isn't Born. It's Earned in the Rooms We Create. Better questions are one of the simplest ways to make that room. They cost nothing, they take a few minutes, and they tell a teenager that the parts of them no one measures are the parts you most want to know.

Ask your child about the things no one grades, and you will start to meet the person they are becoming.

Want to explore these ideas further? Learn more about my work on leadership, identity and conviction at www.theglennllopis.com.