Us or Them: Which Door Would You Choose at Work?

Two doors stand in front of you at work. One is labeled "US." The other is labeled "THEM." Which one would you walk through?

I have asked people this question many times. More often than not, the answer is "them." The part that surprised me is that it doesn't matter whether the person is a CEO or an entry-level employee. In every category, most people see themselves as outsiders in their own workplace.

I didn't choose that door. I walked through "us" because I have a hopeful vision of everyone together, feeling like they belong. But I understand why so many people don't. Our workplaces have spent decades teaching people to leave parts of themselves at the door. The door someone chooses tells you whether they feel they belong or whether they feel they are simply being managed.

How Workplaces Strip Away Identity

Most organizations ask people to assimilate. Fit the culture. Follow the playbook. Present the version of yourself the company expects. Over time, people stop defining themselves and start letting the organization define them.

You hear it in the way people describe themselves: my company brand defines me, my job title is my credential. That works until the title changes or the company restructures. Then people discover they have borrowed their confidence from something that was never theirs. The identity they built for years can disappear in a single announcement, and they are left asking a question no job title can answer: who am I without it?

When your identity is tied to your employer, every disruption becomes a personal crisis. A reorganization stops being a business decision and starts feeling like a verdict on who you are.

The Authenticity Paradox

Many organizations talk about authenticity. They encourage people to bring their whole selves to work. But too often, the motivation is performance, not people. Authenticity is promoted because it is expected to lift engagement and results, not because the organization is committed to strengthening individual identity.

People can feel the difference. When programs designed to make people feel included are abandoned the moment short-term results arrive, or the moment budgets tighten, employees learn that belonging was a tactic. Relationships become transactional again, and people quietly return to the "them" door.

Leaders Are Standing at the Same Door

What many organizations miss is that leaders are suffering from the same identity crisis as their employees. Many climbed the hierarchy by surrendering their own individuality. They learned to sound like the company, think like the company and lead like the leaders before them.

So when someone asks them who they are as a leader, what they stand for and what impact they want to have, they struggle to answer. And a leader who doesn't know who they are cannot help others feel known.

This is why, when I help leaders and organizations reinvent the way they work, I start with the leader's identity. You can't build an "us" culture while you are still hiding behind "them" yourself. I've written about the workplace dynamics behind the employee identity crisis. The leadership version is just as real, and it has to be solved first.

Who Are You Without the Title?

1. Who am I as a leader, apart from my title? Describe your leadership without referencing your company, role or reporting line. If that is difficult, you have found your starting point.
2. What problems does my leadership solve? Every leader has a distinct way of creating value. Name yours. Is it clarity in chaos? Developing people? Seeing opportunity others miss? Be specific.
3. How do the people I lead experience me? Not how you intend to show up, but how you actually show up. Ask them. Their answers will tell you whether they see you as part of "us" or part of "them."

Building the Us

Once leaders reclaim their own identity, they can create environments where others do the same. That means treating people as individuals with distinct strengths, not as liabilities to be managed. It means inviting people to contribute their perspective rather than conform to yours. And it means sustaining that commitment when results are good and when they are not. Belonging that disappears under pressure was never belonging at all.

The actions that build an "us" are small and consistent. Ask each person on your team which part of themselves they feel they have to hide at work. Notice where your culture rewards sameness, and name it out loud. Share something about who you are that has nothing to do with your title. None of it requires a program or a budget. It requires a leader willing to go first, and to keep going when results dip.

The next time you picture those two doors, ask which one your team would choose. Then ask what it would take for every one of them to walk through "us." That work begins with you, and with understanding the individual first.

Want to explore these ideas further? Learn more about my work on leadership, identity and conviction at www.theglennllopis.com.