Identity and Family Were Never Meant to Compete

Few articles this fall have struck a nerve like Elizabeth Bernstein's reporting in The Wall Street Journal. In Why Are So Many Adults Cutting Off Their Parents?, she describes a conference in Chicago where more than 200 estranged parents gathered looking for answers, and the growing belief among many experts that estrangement between adult children and their parents is rising.

The reporting is careful and fair to both sides. Recent data are scarce, she notes, and the most cited figure comes from Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer's 2020 research, which found that about 10% of Americans are estranged from a parent or child. Experts point to social media, shifting therapy practices and a broader definition of harm. Ohio State sociologist Rin Reczek describes a move from family ties that were expected to last no matter what toward what she calls "democratized kinship," where relationships continue based on their quality.

One section of the article is titled "Personal identity comes first." It describes young adults who experience a parent's challenge to their identity as an attack.

I want to start by saying what should always be said: some estrangements are necessary. Where there has been abuse, distance can be an act of safety. But for many families, I believe the article points to a deeper pattern, and it is not identity versus family.

Not Identity Versus Family

In my work on Leadership in the Age of Personalization, I help organizations balance standardization and personalization. Standards give people a shared foundation. Personalization lets each person bring who they are. Neither is the enemy. Each modernizes the other.

Families face the same balance. Every family has standards: values, traditions, expectations, a way of doing things. Every family also has individuals who are discovering who they are. Healthy families keep negotiating between the two. Unhealthy ones force a choice.

I describe healthy tension as both sides trying to understand each other. It is uncomfortable, and it is how relationships grow. When that understanding stops, tension becomes a standoff. And a standoff that lasts long enough can end with someone walking out.

The Edit Starts at Home

In my work, I call it the edit: the parts of ourselves we learn to leave out in order to fit the room. Most of us learn the edit first at home. A child notices which interests earn approval and which earn a sigh. A teenager learns which opinions are safe to share at dinner and which are better kept quiet.

The gap often starts earlier than parents realize. In Pew Research Center's 2025 survey of teens and parents, 80% of parents said they would be extremely or very comfortable talking with their teen about the teen's mental health. Only 52% of teens said they would be that comfortable talking with a parent about it.

That is a perception gap, and gaps like it can grow quietly for years. As I wrote in The Exhausted Executive Was Once a Kid, many adults spend decades performing a version of themselves they learned to present around age fifteen.

In my work, I describe three doors people walk through: Claim, Reclaim and Transform. When a young person never gets to claim who they are at home, the reclaiming happens later. Sometimes it happens gently, through hard conversations. Sometimes it happens all at once, and the door closes behind them.

Claim Early

The most hopeful part of this story is that much of it can be prevented. Parents of teens have a window that will not stay open forever.

The question I ask leaders about their teams applies at home: Who do you let them be? Children who are allowed to explore who they are while still feeling connected to the family's values rarely have to choose between the two later. Standards stay. Room grows.

That does not mean parents should never disagree. Disagreement is part of healthy tension. It means staying curious about who your child is becoming, even when you would have chosen differently. As I explored in Raise the Individual, Not the Resume, the strongest thing we can give young people is the confidence to know who they are.

Three Questions for Parents, and for Adult Children Open to Repair

Where might my child be editing themselves around me? Ask what they wish you understood about them, then listen without correcting.

Which of our family's standards truly matter, and which are habits? Keep the first. Be willing to loosen the second.

For adult children who want repair: Is there one honest conversation worth trying before the door closes? Healthy tension requires two people willing to understand. Sometimes one has to go first.

Estrangement is often described as the moment identity wins over family. I see it differently. It is often the moment we discover there was never enough room for both. The work for every family is to make that room early, while the door is still open.

Want to explore these ideas further? Learn more about my work on leadership, identity and conviction at www.theglennllopis.com.