Reciprocity Is the Real Test of a Relationship

Not once during the entire call did the leader ask me, "What can I do for you?" Some years ago, a client asked me to help one of their external partners, a leader from a highly reputable organization. On our call, the leader kept asking questions, requesting proprietary information and crossing the line with the kinds of requests being made. It was entirely about this leader's needs.

That call told me three things. The leader didn't value the relationship with my client enough. The leader lacked basic professionalism and courtesy. And the leader didn't have real substance, which is why the call felt like a desperate treasure hunt for answers.

Worse, that behavior made me question the integrity of the organization this person represented. That is the hidden cost of one-sided relationships: they damage the reputation of everyone connected to them.

The Question My Father Asked

I learned to spot a one-sided relationship long before I ever sat across from a client. About ten years before I got married, I was dating someone, and my dad came up to me with a question I will never forget: "how much value does she add to your life?"

I told him I had never really thought about it and asked why he wanted to know. He said, "I really like her, but it seems to me like you're the one adding all the value."

Trust is only the first test of any relationship. My father gave me the second. Look at your own network, the people you surround yourself with, and ask, "does this person add value to my life?" Then ask the same of every business partner you have.

Partnerships on Paper Only

Too many business relationships are artificial. They look like partnerships on paper, but in practice one side does the giving while the other does the taking.

Companies and their leaders go searching for the intellectual capital and know-how they lack but need to compete. Instead of building something mutual, they extract what they can and move on. The result is a widening trust gap that stalls growth for everyone involved.

You cannot lead alone. Leadership requires relationships that add mutual value. The moment one side takes the relationship for granted, there is no relationship left. Without reciprocity, it becomes a zero-sum game, and momentum is impossible.

Five Signs a Relationship Lacks Reciprocity

1. There is always an excuse. When you feel forced to do all the work because the other side always has a reason for not delivering, the relationship is becoming one-sided. If performance and attitude don't improve, walk away before it costs you more.
2. No one takes ownership. Plenty of partnerships begin with shared excitement that slowly fades. Often that is because one party is losing relevance in the market. The playbook they relied on for years stops working, and when they can't keep up, reciprocity becomes impossible.
3. Capabilities don't match promises. The executives at the top say the right things and promise big contributions. But the people responsible for doing the heavy lifting may have limited capabilities. Pay attention to whose expertise is actually driving outcomes, and whether you are the one making all the investments of time, money and resources.
4. They don't contribute in meaningful ways. Strong relationships are built on both sides sharing best practices, knowledge and wisdom. Those who consistently fail to reciprocate take credit for others' ideas and try to harvest intellectual capital without sharing their own. When the mission loses its balance, it is best to respectfully move in a new direction.
5. They are not grateful. Relationships grow complacent when one side starts taking the other for granted. When appreciation fades, respect follows. Without respect, trust is lost and reciprocity disappears. If you sense respect slipping, course correct or part ways before tensions escalate.

Run the Reciprocity Test

Reciprocity is not a transaction. It is a mindset of having each other's best interests at heart. It is what allows both sides to build the kind of networks where innovation happens.

Before your next partner meeting, ask yourself:

• What value have I added to this relationship in the last 90 days?
• What value has the other side added to mine?
• Are we both sharing knowledge, or is only one of us?
• Would I describe this partner's behavior as generous or extractive?
• If this relationship ended tomorrow, what would each of us lose?

If the answers are lopsided, start the conversation. Name what you need and ask what they need. A lot of relationships can be repaired when both sides are honest. Some can't, and that is useful information too.

Know When to Let Go

Leaders often hold onto relationships for the sake of a connection to a particular brand, only to learn later that the relationship was never worth the time and frustration.

Surround yourself with people who want your success to continue, and hold your business relationships to the same standard. Nurture the ones founded on trust and mutual respect. But know when to let go of a relationship where things are always being asked of you but never for you, and where the more you give, the more they try to take.

Want to explore these ideas further? Learn more about my work on leadership, identity and conviction at www.theglennllopis.com.