Stop Asking "How Are You Doing?"

I have always had a problem with the question "How are you doing today?"

We all know there is only one acceptable answer. "I'm good. How are you?" It is a social nicety, and most of us say it a dozen times a day without thinking. But underneath the politeness, it quietly suppresses us. We know we are not supposed to answer truthfully.

So we don't. And the people around us don't either.

The Pharmacist Who Changed My Greeting

A few months ago, my family was facing serious medical issues. It was a hard stretch, and one afternoon I went to the pharmacy carrying all of it with me.

The pharmacist greeted me the way she greeted everyone. "How are you doing today?"

I just sighed.

She saw my body language and immediately said, "You don't have to answer that question."

Then she told me something I have never forgotten. At least five people a day respond to her the same way I had. When you think about it, that makes sense. Her job is giving medicine to people who are sick, or to people who love someone who is sick. Many of the people standing at her counter are in the middle of something hard.

She wondered out loud, "What should I ask, then?"

I suggested something simple. "Hello, how can I help you?"

That conversation changed how I greet people. "How can I help you?" makes room for people to show up as they are, rather than perform being fine. Everyone has something difficult going on. My hope is that the question tells them someone cares about what matters to them.

One More Question Opens the Door

A few years earlier, I had a different version of this experience at a Starbucks. I asked a man in line the standard question, and he gave me the standard answer. "I'm doing fantastic!"

I followed up. "Really, how are you doing?"

He dropped the facade immediately. "Actually, I'm not doing great. But I'm happy to be getting coffee to start my day."

We ended up talking for fifteen minutes. I still remember that conversation, not for anything specific we said, but for the human connection. One more question was all it took.

The Cost of Pretending to Be Fine

This matters far beyond pharmacies and coffee shops. At work, the pressure to appear fine is enormous. Research from Lime Health reported in February 2026 found that nearly seven in ten UK employees pretend to be well at work when they are not, up sharply from 51% in 2021. A third say they often or always do it.

Think about what that means. On any given day, most of the people you work with may be performing wellness they don't feel. They are carrying worries about money, health and family into meetings where everyone says "I'm good."

When people feel they must hide what they are carrying, they also hide parts of who they are. Their energy goes into maintaining the performance rather than contributing their best thinking. As I've written before, feelings are part of the work, whether we acknowledge them or not.

Connection Is a Leadership Practice

Every one of us wants a chance to be real and experience true connection. We are all facing an uncertain future. We are all wondering whether our skills will stay relevant. We are all managing a range of emotions every day.

Leaders have a unique opportunity here. The way you greet people sets the tone for what is acceptable to share. If every check-in is a ritual exchange of "good, thanks," your team learns that honesty isn't welcome. If you make room for a real answer, even occasionally, you give people permission to bring more of themselves to work.

It also changes what you learn. A leader who only hears "I'm good" is making decisions without knowing what is actually happening on the team. A leader who has made room for honest answers hears about the stress, the family situation or the quiet doubt before it turns into a resignation or a crisis.

That is not softness. It is how trust gets built, and how individuality gets unleashed rather than suppressed. When people don't have to spend energy pretending, they have more energy for the work.

Try It This Week

Here is a small experiment. The next time someone asks how you are doing, give an answer that is one degree more honest than usual. Not your deepest struggle. Just a little more real.

And the next time you greet someone, try a different question. "How can I help you?" Or simply follow up the standard answer with a sincere "Really, how are you?"

Notice what happens. Notice how people respond when they realize they have been given permission.

The question you ask decides the answer people are allowed to give. Ask in a way that gives them permission to be real.

Want to explore these ideas further? Learn more about my work on leadership, identity and conviction at www.theglennllopis.com.