When a Work Relationship Starts Heading the Wrong Way

Early in my career, I joined an organization where the culture was fueled by distrust and corruption, and no one was willing to say so. Plenty of my colleagues had been blindsided too. The company was very profitable and people were well paid. Nearly everyone was unhappy, but nobody wanted to create disruption.

My immigrant father encouraged me to write down my observations. He knew that moment would give me the wisdom I would need later to make better decisions and read people's true intentions. So I documented that short but eventful chapter. I also began volunteering in the local community on behalf of the organization, and I met people who helped me understand the company's climate, history and politics. It was information I wish I had known before I accepted the job.

You may know the feeling. A new relationship begins with a client, a colleague, a boss or a partner, and something in your gut tells you it isn't quite right. You can see the opportunity, but you also sense trouble down the road. Experience has taught you to pay attention to that feeling. Yet you keep going, hoping for mutual benefit and hoping the problems never arrive.

That experience taught me something I still believe: adversity may make or break you, but it primarily reveals you. Companies build crisis management protocols. Individuals need one too. Otherwise, a single bad relationship can quietly start to shape your identity as an employee or leader.

Five practices protect your momentum when a relationship begins moving in the wrong direction.

1. Leave a Paper Trail

When you consistently take note of what is happening, patterns begin to emerge. You can stitch behavioral cues together into a narrative, and once you see it, you can manage it. My mentors, the leaders I learned from, always told me to write things down and never assume I would remember everything.

Throughout my career, when I dealt with people who had hidden agendas, I would often write emails and letters I never sent. It got the issue off my chest and kept me from mismanaging the situation. More importantly, it gave me insights that helped me handle those same people better the next time. Today that journal might live in a notes app, but the discipline is the same.

2. Have a Plan B

Keep your eyes open and anticipate the unexpected. A difficult relationship can cut off access to tools, information, resources and people you depend on. Having a plan B doesn't mean you have stopped trying to make the relationship work. It means you are being strategic, so one relationship can't derail your ability to perform. Never entrust your success to a single relationship.

3. Maintain Reciprocity

Step back and ask: is this person adding as much value to the relationship as I am? This isn't about keeping score. The best relationships are mutually rewarding without a scorecard. When you zoom in, a problem often looks bigger than it is. When you zoom out, you regain the clarity to see the opportunity inside it.

It also helps to know who you are dealing with. I think of people as leaders, lifters, loafers or leeches, and some are more than one. I once had a boss who lifted my spirits and encouraged my work, but I learned the hard way that he was more focused on his own advancement than on my success. He was both a lifter and a leech. You don't truly know a relationship until the other person no longer needs you as much.

4. Build Mental Toughness

Don't let others get under your skin. Mental toughness lets you handle difficult relationships objectively and keeps you from taking things personally. Focus on the business, block out the noise and pay attention to what the relationship can still contribute to your goals.

Picture a leader who focuses more on her credentials than her work, delegates instead of staying involved and plays the political game well. Plenty of people are impressed by her background at first. Mental toughness means you don't compete on her terms. You keep your team focused on the work and let results make the case. Over time, an approach built on image rather than contribution wears on everyone. Relationships headed the wrong way often resolve themselves if you don't get pulled into the games.

5. Connect the Dots

Practice the first four, and you begin to see patterns in how people influence outcomes. You will recognize those who create chaos to hide their weaknesses. You will be able to measure whether someone is in it for themselves or for the healthier whole, and you will know where you best fit.

Listen to the Gut Feeling Early

The warning usually arrives long before the damage. Ask what your gut has been telling you about this relationship that you have chosen to ignore. Check whether you are documenting what you see or trusting your memory. Know who else in your network can provide what this relationship controls. And decide honestly whether the person across from you is a leader, lifter, loafer or leech.

Some great relationships are only realized after they have been tested by adversity. Tackle it head-on, course correct along the way and stay mentally tough.

Want to explore these ideas further? Learn more about my work on leadership, identity and conviction at www.theglennllopis.com.